Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
