Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
