soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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