If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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