i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
