I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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