coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
