Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize