Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
