Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
