this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
