Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
