Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize