I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
