You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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