when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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