I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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