I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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