its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
