Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
