If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
