At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
