hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
