so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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