So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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