i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize