which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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