my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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