so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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