I'm so fucking centered right now
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
