Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
