In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
