I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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