He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
