i was born a porn star she said
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
