There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
