At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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