Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
