I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
