come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
