I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
