watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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