There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
