Apparently you make a good broom.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
