Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
