she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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