Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
