life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
