I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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