we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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