i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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