the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
