hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
