I wish I could teleport
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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