I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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