i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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