margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
