We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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