I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
