You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
