On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got chris browned last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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