your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
